I often hear from spouses (who are usually wives) that tell me they have chosen to stay in their "loveless marriage" for the sake of their children. They will often admit that they are not happy in their marriage. In fact, many will flat out say that they are very unhappy. However, they often strongly feel that it's preferable for them to be unhappy than to allow a divorce to negatively affect their children's happiness and well being. I have to admit that for the most part, I absolutely understand this thinking. As a child of divorce, I would never want to put any child of mine through what I went through when my own parents divorced. The adjustment period that followed my parents' divorce was among the most painful periods of my life. In fact, even today when I have to chose which family I will spend holidays with (and risk hurting someone's feelings,) I often realize that their divorce is still affecting people other than themselves. My children are often caught in the middle as each of my parents tries to stake their claim as the favorite grandparent. But, I do have to say that I believe that there are some instances where staying is hurtful to all involved. When family members are being physically hurt or abused then you are often better off removing that family member from the situation child marriage. Thankfully, most people that I hear from are not in this situation. They are often in a marriage that has grown stale, cold, and "loveless. " In my own experience and observation, I can tell you that it's sometimes possible to return the love to the marriage so that you can have the best of all worlds. You can have the stable family and the married parents that you want for your children, and you don't have to accept the fact that your marriage will always be loveless or that you will remain unhappy and unfulfilled. I will discuss this more in the following article. Pinpointing Why Your Marriage Has Become "Loveless:" Very few people tell me that their marriage was always devoid of love. Usually, they loved one another very much in the beginning. But, somewhere along the way, something went wrong. Sometimes, there is infidelity that the marriage has yet to recover from. Other times, the two people have just drifted apart or the marriage has become stale or the culture has become stagnant and both people just sort of accepted this rather than taking decisive action. Whatever the reason for the changes in your marriage, often admitting that there is a problem and then pinpointing what is most contributing to it is the first step toward fixing it. Spouses will often give me general excuses as to why things can't or aren't going to get any better. I will often hear things like: "We've just grown apart. " Or, "we've just fallen out of love. " Or "he has just changed. He's no longer the man who I married. "People will often point to these external things will an attitude or expectations which indicate that they don't think that this can or will change. And, this is precisely the attitude that will often guarantee that you will remain stuck and unhappy. For things to really change and for you to feel happy and connected to your spouse again, you might have to be the one to pinpoint the issues, to take the initiative, and to begin to make the changes. This may feel unfair and isolating, but it can also very much be worth it in the end. Taking Decisive And Swift Actions Meant To Bring The Love Back: The first step to changing your marriage involve accepting that things can change. And, the next steps involve actually taking the actions to bring about the changes that you want. Yes, you might be doing this for your children, but you absolutely deserve to be happy also. Children thrive when their parents are fulfilled and happy. No child wants for their parents to be together only out of a sense of duty. No child wants for their parents to only be going through the motions. Children do know the difference. And, think of it this way. You are modeling what marriage means and looks like for your children. If you can think of it this way, you can probably also ask yourself if you want for your children to think that it's OK to live in a loveless marriage. Would you want for them to settle for this It's likely that you wouldn't. So, why are you There's nothing that says you can't fight for your marriage and work very hard to get the love and happiness back. And, sometimes this means taking regular time away from your kids. I'm not talking about anything drastic or long term. I'm talking about making time for one another once a week or a couple of times per month. I'm talking about going for a walk after dinner or setting aside time for you to reconnect at the end of the day without the kids present. Really good parents often worry that this is neglecting their children or will harm them. I can assure that it won't. The best gift that you can give your children are two happy parents who love each other and are committed to making the family (and all of those in it) a top priority. You already have a part of this covered. It's clear that you're placing your family above all else. But, where do you come into this picture And, the really ironic thing is that you often have everything you need to be happy right within arm's reach. But, sometimes our priorities shift and this does us more harm than good. But, nothing says that you can't remember those things that brought you together (before the kids formed your extended family) and then focus and reconnect over those things. It's not usually an either / or situation. You truly can usually have it all and you deserve nothing less than this. Sometimes, this involves stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying new things but this is a small price to pay for having all of the pieces of the puzzle fitting together. And, I can not stress enough how important it is to prioritize your individual happiness and to make this process a pleasurable one. In short, you can't cultivate what you yourself do not have. Often, if you learn how to make yourself happy (and accept that you deserve it,) you will often see positive changes in your marriage as well.
08/05/2011
